(THERE IS NO) ETHICAL CONSUMPTION (UNDER CAPITALISM) AT THE NIKE STORE

the most famous not-famous Michael Jordan story that I am not not-famous for inaccurately telling goes like this—

In 1984, the Chicago Bulls suffered a devastating 645 point road loss to the Phoenix Suns, marking the first time young Michael Jordan ever lost at something. In the rec room of a Best Western after the loss, John Paxton challenged a young Michael Jordan to a game of ping-pong. Having neither touched nor seen a ping-pong paddle before, young Michael Jordan was again defeated and forced tasting the flat-and-fizzless highball of failure for the second time in his short life.

This enraged Michael Jordan. Once back in Chicago, he purchased his own ping-pong table and his own pin-pong paddle and a beautiful gold necklace and then he signed a contract with Nike. He started eating nothing but Wheaties and pufferfish and deer carcasses and he took a lavender bath every night and he sacrificed crocodiles to James Naismith, who—as you know, my dearest skittle—is both the man who invented basketball and the Kentucky god of death. He also played a lot of ping pong.

One year later, in the same rec room in the same Best Western after a win in which MJ scored 32,292 points, Jordan approached the same ping-pong table & challenged John Paxton to a rematch. Upon Paxton’s first serve, Jordan transformed into a giant kaiju with 4,000 tentacles and each of his tentacles wielded a paddle and his gold earring wielded a paddle and his gold chain wielded a paddle and his giant dick wielded a paddle and his blood ran thick with the spirits of John Paxton’s past, present, and future enemies.

Michael Jordan won this rematch sizably. In doing so, he imprinted John Paxton (like that sexy werewolf guy did to that baby in that weird book about emotionally abusive vampires) and thus John Paxton begged Michael Jordan to impregnate him. Michael Jordan, known heterosexual, refused. This emasculated John Paxton to the point where John Paxton and every man who ever came in contact with John Paxton would never be able to produce fertile sperm again.

*

And while that
heart-warming
lil diddy
is true so
is this:
Michael Jordan
Once said ‘republicans
buy sneakers too’
and while that might be forgivable
what is not forgivable
is that Michael Jordan
has a net worth of
1.9
billion
US
dollars
which equates to
9.5% of
what the Obama-Era
Department
of Housing
and
Urban
Development
estimated would be
the total cost of
ending homelessness
in this terrible
joke called “Country” and
I am telling you this
my dearest skittle
because
it is ten o’clock
on a Saturday night
in a rapidly gentrifying
neighborhood
in Austin, Texas
a city that flaunts
its ‘progressive’ ideals
while its elected officials
rezone residential
neighborhoods
& set camping
restrictions that
intentionally 
endanger the lives
of the homeless people
in the city’s lowest
income communities
so that developers
can knock down
affordable housing
and build a high-
end luxury MALL
for the employees
of the billion dollar tech
conglomerates
that are taking over
this city and
whether or not
we’d like to admit it
we are all a little tired
from wrestling with
that fact that all of our
childhood heroes are
wearing diamond earrings
& eating gold-dipped
chicken wings
& courting fascists
on golf courses
while the rest of us
are being suffocated by sorrow
& healthcare debt
in this little knee-deep
honey pit of despair
unless you are a millionaire
or a billionaire
or a corporation
like Nike who
donated $424,000 to
Republication candidates
during the 2018
election cycle
& pays the employees
of its Dongguan shoe
factory less than $40 US
dollars a month
& (as recently as
2017) has
used offshore
companies
to avoid paying
exorbitant corporate
tax fees
in which case
if you are a millionaire
or a billionaire
or a corporation
come here
sweetie pie
come here
you demonic
bundle of
treason
gimme a little
kiss that’s right
give mama
a big smooch
and run those
fucking pockets
this isn’t a poem
anymore it’s
a goddamn
robbery
this is the end
of the road
for you
little bitches
I'm in charge now
I've got the 
good stuff
Baby
I've got all the
Fucking
socks now you
Snowflake
you horse-
faced cuck
you little
Baby-dicked
beta cash
pig I'm the
fucking moon
in this here
parable
I’m abolishing
the cross-trainer
I’m taking
your inventory
and giving it out
to the people displaced
by your goddamn factory
Store
I'm the sab-cat
drowning you
in your own
Goddamn
Money-stained
Blood
You nerd
You herb
listen to me
now you
Swollen
sack of
Diapers
I was put
here to
take prozac
and butt fuck the
wage system
and I am fresh out
of prozac & patience
you worthless
fucking cow

Mark Cugini (they/them) is a bratty switch sub from Staten Island, NY. They are the founding editor of Big Lucks, a co-organizer of Whale Prom, and a member of the Best Buds! Collective. Tw: @AScaredWhale